Have you ever felt left out?
You have friends. Everyone has friends. It’s just the way we live in this world. Without friends our lives would be severely empty and void. Very often, we collect friends by just being exposed to people in a group environment. A casual “hello” may lead to a long-term friendship that stays with you even when you are far apart.
Yet, sometimes when your friends make plans they leave you out, not that they are obliged to include you in everything they do. When that happens, it can lead to hurt and frustration, leaving you to question the depth of your connections with those friends.
Obviously, you had no way to know what level of depth the relationships held and no easy way to gauge just how far or close they may have been. If your exclusion happens often it may eventually lead to more questioning and self-doubt. Could it be that they don’t feel connected to you any more? Was it “something I said” that caused the perceived disconnect? Or, is there something deeper at play?
A friend, who I will call Emma, came to me with the story that nicely describes what I am talking about. She said that her friends had scheduled a reunion lunch and hadn’t invited her to join. She seemed quite hurt by being left out.
My first question was “What are their birth months?” She went on to relate that two of the three women were born on either side of her birth month and the other was born six months away, though not necessarily in Emma’s birth year.
My next question had to do with understanding Emma’s desires––what did she expect from the other ladies. Did she hope for a tightly knit bond with the group? Her answer was “no.” She definitely wanted her space and independence.
Now, and this gets very interesting, we can take a look at the relationship dynamics at play between the four women. With two being born on either side of Emma’s birth month, they each form an interval of a flat 2nd with her. The third person, six months away forms a flat 5th interval with Emma. All of these musical intervals are considered dissonant, that often means “difficult” if not understood and handled well.
The flat 2nd demands that each note, or person in that interval or relationship must remain independent. That means that Emma and two of her friends, though they are close by association, hold little in common other than their mutual acquaintance. The two notes of the flat 2nd interval are strong and independent of each other. The same may hold true for your relationships. Two people born in adjacent months may be in love, yet also may have no need to be in constant contact with each other and, in fact, may actually avoid routinely and consistently connecting.
The fourth woman created a flat 5th interval with Emma. Again, that sound is on the extreme side of dissonance. Here, you’ll find “The Devil’s Interval,” one of the strongest pairings in music. Normally, one of the two people forming that interval holds power over the other in a dominant/ subdominant relationship. Emma concurred that her friend held power over her making her feel helpless at times.
When Emma was removed from the equation, the remaining group formed intervals that were both mildly dissonant and consonant. If effect, Emma didn’t fit in the group. Their exclusion of her was a natural consequence of the flat 2nd and flat 5th energy. The volatile magnetic power of those intervals did what they do best by pulling away from the most dissonant member and gravitating toward the easier, more consonant one.
Emma was greatly relieved to finally understand the role she played with her friends. She inherently wanted, due to the interval energy, to be independent from the group, and that’s what she got. At first it hurt––now it seems natural. She still can be their friend, but now she can let go of the anger she initially felt when they excluded her from their luncheon date.
Harmonology––An Insider’s Guide to Healthy Relationships Through Music.
Available on Amazon.